This is not a gooey eyed article about the qualities of a real man – there’s plenty of those. But you see, they don’t help guys one bit – they don’t show what it is you actually need to do if you want to become the man who isn’t a pretender to himself or anyone else; who acts with true purpose & confidence… without taking anything from others to do it; who respects, protects & uplifts women rather than covertly squashing their awesome feminine power.
All reading about those qualities ever usually does is remind us men where we are not that, without giving any hint as to how to change it. And it doesn’t help women either, other than to nurture a desire for something that for the most part doesn’t exist, or is so thin on the ground that it may as well not do. And it certainly doesn’t show a simple broken woman, how to support her simple broken man to become the man she deeply wishes he were.
So today I wanna reveal to all the men who are either quietly wishing they could be the REAL man they were never shown how to be or are otherwise pretending to be, AND all the women who want a real man, the ONE THING that is actually takes to make it so… and it is probably NOT what you would expect.
What is the ONE thing that every real man (AND real woman for that matter) NEVER does?
What is the one thing that gives him the foundation to be all the other things a real man is and a real woman wants him to be? It is exquisitely simple:
A real man never abandons himself.
Allow me to explain…
Have you ever agreed to do something for someone even though you didn’t really want to?
Have you ever shared something with someone only to have it come back and bite you in the ass?
Do you ever find yourself thinking about how to act with a woman in an attempt to get her to like you?
Do you ever find yourself saying things just to make yourself sound more important?
Do you ever chastise yourself when you think you’ve done something that makes you look stupid?
Do you ever find yourself rushing things?
Do you ever find yourself doing something just to fit in or be liked by others?
Do you ever find yourself being indecisive or playing the victim?
How about doing what other people want when you don’t really want to?
Do you find yourself doing things to make other people happy when you’re not even happy yourself?
Do you ever make excuses for not going after what you really want?
How about hiding from your problems?
Or apologizing for yourself when you’re not even being a dick?
And do you ever find yourself being a dick and needing to apologize?
Yes to any of these? Ok, well this is not it – but these are a few of the many symptoms of the underlying cause that a man is abandoning himself.
Abandoning yourself is something that you first did before the age of 7 in order to earn the approval of your parents. You were told that certain behaviours and emotions weren’t acceptable, so you chastised yourself your whole life whenever you displayed them; even if you just had a thought that you’d like to do something without even doing it, you hated on yourself for that too.
You were encouraged to do this; you were encouraged to not follow your conscience or dreams because society (or they) won’t accept you. And so once you passed that magical young age and this behavior was set in you, even once you left home, even if you rebelled and ‘discovered your purpose’, it continued because YOU would become the one to take over the abusive judgment of your self – with every piece of negative self-talk or rejection of some part of yourelf or your experience, you reinforced the notion that you simply weren't good enough. And because you’ve done this, you even forgot what a true desire is. One that isn’t informed by other peoples desires without you knowing. You think your desires are yours, but are they really? REALLY?
It’s not about WHAT you do, it’s about WHY you’re doing it…
Do you go to the gym? Why? Because you fucking love it, or because you ‘should’ do… for whatever man-reason?
Do you buy your wife flowers? Why? Because you adore her and want to express your love, or because it will ‘keep her sweet’ for a while and you can carry on being emotionally avoidant for another day?
A man only does things he doesn’t really want to do because he is abandoning himself emotionally and seeking from others the approval he is not giving himself.
A man only betrays himself by sharing things with people he really probably shouldn’t because he is abandoning himself emotionally and seeking from others the approval he is not giving himself.
A man only attempts to please others with his words and actions because he is abandoning himself emotionally and seeking from others the approval he is not giving himself.
I could carry on, but you get the idea…
The path to becoming a real man is to cease abandoning the little boy inside yourself every time he thinks or desires something that doesn’t fit your conditioned idea of what a man should be. That’s the funny part – you ignore him and berate him in an attempt to BE a real man (because you think he’s standing in the way), but it’s the berating and ignorance that keeps you from becoming one. Ignore that little boy at your peril; berate him at your expense, for he is you. He is the you that got left behind, and he is colouring every one of your actions preventing you from becoming the real man you want to be… the one you maybe even pretend you are. Go back and get him, and you will be it for REAL.
The way to do this is to get COMPLETELY selfish – put yourself first above everyone and everything else. But that doesn’t mean do things for your own self-aggrandisement – you are not the façade you put out to the world… you are, in a very real sense, the little boy that just wants to be accepted. So accept him. Fuck everyone and everything else for just one moment (including your own façade), and just accept him. Selfish doesn’t mean to be rude or uncaring to others, it just means to prioritize the needs of this wounded little boy inside you ahead of the demands of others. You don’t need to be a dick to do that, you can enforce your priorities with kindness.
And the funny thing is that by becoming completely selfish (in this way, not your facade’s way) you automatically begin to become truly serving of others (for the first time ever). Weird eh? True though.
It make sense actually – when you feed the part of you that is actually hungry with the love that you didn’t know it needed, you no longer need to expend ANY energy feeding the parts of you that can never be satisfied… the parts whose hunger is only fuelled by the little boy’s terror of your continuing abandonment. So when you do this you actually WANT to give your boundless love and energy to others, and not because that’s what a ‘good’ man does, or because of any other standard imposed upon you or by you, just because that’s what we all are when we pull back the curtain.
Now this isn’t something you can just ‘decide’ to apply – these words are not going to do anything to help you if you’re not humble to your bullshit. They’re going to help those who know that they are not all that they can be, and are ready to see that most of the ‘manly’ qualities they do think they have already are a façade for their own insecurity; that the house of manliness has to come down before the palace can be built.
When you stop TRYING to be a man, and you stop abandoning yourself, you can actually become one!